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Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
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Is it possible to discover one day that your actually becoming more of an introvert than the extrovert you were supposed to be?
Strange but true.
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Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
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i believe in a God that is far greater than anyone can describe. And i'm truly sorry if you choose not to accept him. Because its your loss, not mine.
Yet its hard to say 'damn you', because love cannot work that way. Love is not selfish. Love is patient, longsuffering, kind, and it endures.
I don't think i'll ever be able to understand the true meaning of agape love. That truly is a regret.
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i feel like a fish out of the water.
The sights, the sounds, the smells... they all bring forth familiar tinglings of euphoria. Should i feel ecstatic that i'm out of the isolated and remote island of tekong? i thought i would. To breathe the fresh air, uncontaminated with the foul bacteria and viruses that afflict all its inhabitants. Yet with each breath i inhaled. With each step that i took. I found myself a visitor, wearing the beautifully silver-plated visitor pass i took from England's Parliament.
Walking down orchard road. I observed, watched, took the scene which was once familiar in. But the people just seemed to walk past. They were so caught up in their own lives, no one bothered about the 'chao' recruit trying to be smart in his grey dress. That was when i realized what it felt like to be alone.
That's where the flashback of the poignant lyrics came in.
'Alone, alone, he bore it all alone...
he gave himself to save his own.
He suffered, bled, and died
Alone.
Alone.'
Alone. Jesus bore it all alone. No one else had the authority to take the cross away from him. No one else had the strength to bear it for him. No one else could bear the weight on his shoulders. No one was perfect, like him. He had to bear it all alone. To take the sin of the world onto his back, lay it upon his thorn-pierced brow, and hold back the tears. What sorrow. What agony.
And suddenly the pain that was afflicting me turned into numbness. I was no where near that state. I was merely a fish out of the water, torn away cruelly by a twist of fate that bore me on the island of Singapore 18 years ago. Born to serve the nation once i was old enough to be independent. Then i realized, i wasn't in a dump. I wasn't in a corner tucked away in the alleys of the Bronx, filled with the scum of the earth.
I was in a place full of opportunities - as long as i was willing to take them.
Enthusiasm sometimes is hard to maintain. But once the momentum keeps you going, with the right attitude, and a whole dependence on God for what the future brings, life's a beach (no pun intended). The oceans extend further than what the naked eye can see, the sand can be burrowed deeper than any drilling tool can dig. I believe strongly now that life is what you want to make of it. Sitting back and relaxing in JC wasn't the Danny way. One does learn from experience. Now's the time to make things happen, to spark the magic in a life that i believe was not meant to be ordinary. God gave me the talents, which have been brimming with potential, but never fully released due to the intrinsic pride and ego within me. God's timing is perfect, and when He knows i am ready, when the servant in me has been cultivated, then he will guide me to a path where his glory can be shone to the ends of the earth. My parents dedicated me to the Lord when i was a little baby. Now is the best time to know him and to make him known in my own unique way - for now i still don't know what that is, but i'm confident he'll show me soon.
On to another note. One thing in Zig Ziglar's book struck me. He categorized the world into two distinct groups. The pessimists (who try to disguise themselves as realists) who think they see the world in a clearer light, and see the obstacles and challenges, and put themselves down even before they start. And the optimists (which i believe i am part of) who believe that failure is an event, not a person. Every wall is a scalable wall, because it was made with human hands. Whether you have to resort to climbing over, bashing through, skirting around, digging under, or even boring through with a sharp rock to get to the other side - just do it. Because impossible is nothing. But always remember, without God all things are permissible, but with God ALL things are possible.
Some things from my past still haunt me, still can bring me down to my knees. Especially on days where my mind can wander and flit in and out of the dark corners of my brain. But as i said before. With God all things are possible. Today is still half done, and tomorrow is a day undone. So help me Lord to be a better person, that all around me might share the joy i take in the simple pleasures that each new created day brings.
Random quote before i end off. Heh i learn something new everyday in the SAF.. even though its a minor revelation during the tedious and extremely boring arms drills.
"Don't do things until you get them right, do them until you can never get them wrong"
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Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
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my head feels woozy. its like my head is too heavy for my body so i can't keep my balance so when i walk its like i'm wobbling in a zigzag even though i'm attempting to keep straight. Its quite funny actually. my mum says its cause the flu bug is attacking my ear drums =P haha, now that's interesting. Feels like my brain suddenly ballooned, too bad i don't feel any smarter though.
k i'll be on the fastcraft back to tekong at 0700 tomorrow. my dad was nice enough to offer to send me down to SAFT, so i'll be sleepin early and moving out early tomorrow.
before i sleep. i stumbled upon a beautiful present today. And i read through the 100 poems which were beautifully crafted on my birthday =) it reminded me of something i was halfway through which i never got to finish. I had chosen about 10 of those, my favourites, to convert into song. To make a CD to give back to her for a New Year's Day present, which got postponed to a Valentine's Day present, and now not really much of a present. My gift back to a special someone who had made that birthday so special. Haha when i embarked on that task i didn't realize it was so hard, which was compounded by the fact that i have about a meagre 2 days worth of music theory drilled into my skull even until today. but to date i've finished about 4-5 of those poems, and packaged them nicely into songs, of course with nifty changes of my own. i doubt i'll ever finish that CD, or i'll ever need to, since this Valentine's Day is gonna be spent alone =) hey man, but it still brings a smile to my face. The sincere effort and the smiles amidst the sweat and tears. Danny you're a die hard romantic man..WOO HOO! kudos to you.
one which was the funniest and one of the more memorable (many many smiley faces) =)
I wanna be your water.
==========================
I want to be your water
And splash against your face
Make whiskers bristle hard
And hold the blade in place
I long to mate with your shampoo
And create a loving lather
Ooze between your workday fingers
In your cupped hands I’ll gather
I long to fill your restful tub
And lap against your skin
Swirl counter at your fingertips
Then counter swirl again.
In liquid form I’ll soothe you
Seep sneaky past your limbs
Leave droplet beads like love notes
Release you from distress
I’ll be there to massage you hot
When your poor muscles ache
And I’ll be cool upon your flesh
When summer dog days break
I’ll be your substance
And quench your every thirst
And I’ll be your last desire
Just as I was your first.
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i have a very ambivalent view towards having a casino in Singapore.
On one hand the liberal economist in me says: Why not? Its already been done in Las Vegas, Macau and soon to be in Britain. Many have argued about the economic benefits. It has brought billions of dollars to the local economy, enhanced employment prospects for many who fail to obtain jobs by pure merit, and brought smiles to many tourists enthralled by the allure of gambling. In short, Casinos are a good thing for the country. I've been to Las Vegas, i've seen the beauty of the city in its full splendor. Nights there are truly magical. The bright neon lights, the attractions of Caesar's Palace and Miramax, nothing compares with its nightlife. Furthermore, i've read somewhere before that it is doubtful that the entrance of a casino causes the morals of its citizens to plummet. I tried to make this argument before in the forum of the Straits Times, but i failed, and they decided not to publish it =P
Moral values are an entirely subjective thing, yet it is pertinent to make an objective stand. Singapore is trying to wean itself away from its image of being a nanny state, and yet it is so hard pressed at making a decision as to whether Singaporeans can think for themselves, and weigh the opportunity costs. Lets look at a scenario. Andy is a medium income, hardworking man who is weighed down by the stress caused by the rat race. He wants to destress by taking a handful of change, taking a nice stroll down Siloso beach, and then putting that money into machines which gives him a 1/5 chance to double his money. He does it a few times a week, feels good, and keeps doing it. In all he wins some he loses some (okay he loses more than he wins). End of story.
Something sounds fishy? of course. Andy will eventually get addicted, because the thrill of making more than you came in with is too alluring, that's human nature for you. I can confirm that cause i experienced something like that in London, at the end of the world's longest pier. Haha, there was a slot machine for 2 pence, allowing you to place bets on which color the ball falls on. I wasted like $1.06 on that machine with william before realizing that however much the ball lands on the right color, i'm gonna lose more than i came in with. In the end, it was the lack of time which made me tear myself away from that machine. Gambling is far too addictive, esp when you have the feeling that you're smart enough to beat the system, even attempting to use statistics to win money. So..just like me, Andy will become addicted. And since the casino is geographically squared on the south of the island, its easily accessible. People who are strong enough to not make a visit in the first place will not go, and their money and lives will remain intact. People like Andy who don't fall in the income range where money can be spent like water...well, they'll be sucked into the hole of neverending gambling overdose. Once will never be enough, even if you say you have a will of iron. The truth of the matter is... gambling will take away your life, especially when it comes too close to home to resist.
So the conclusion is? On a societal level, the government should make the smart choice, and not to worry whether its image as a true democracy is tarnished. Humans are so stupid that they'll never know until its too late. Its better to be labelled as draconian than risk a las vegas-eque scenario. It thrives and appears so magical only because foreigners keep the money flowing in. In truth, when you wake up in the morning, the stark grim reality strikes. Its a lazy ghost town when the sun shines. Its a cold and harsh environment, even tourists like myself can feel its wastedness when i'm awake and raring to go. I have an impression that the millions of people living and working there dont' really wanna be there. Its just that its the only place which will feed and clothe them. And if they could, they would take the first flight outta there.
So singapore beware. Its not the issue of morals VS economics. It boils down to life itself. Don't be fooled by statistical figures or philosophical moral debates, those are just cover ups to prove that Singapore's a 'true democracy'. Just think for yourselves, as individuals, what good is a casino, really, in the long run?
all i'll say is thank God for the people in the government like LKY who are adamant against the encroachment of this stealthy monster.
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As i'm typing this it feels like only my mind is awake. My body feels like its fallen asleep on me and i'm only ambling around through sheer mental power. My fingers feel numb, my chest especially feels like there's a hole in it, and the worst thing is. I'm stuck back at home when field camp is in full swing. For once it sucks to be at home.
ATT C. The dreaded ATT C. Haha, all my enthusiasm has been for naught. And to think while i was back in Tekong, i was telling others to take care of themselves, not to fall sick, cause field camp's a once in a lifetime experience u won't ever wanna miss. And who is the most SUAY one here? Me. The day before everything explodes into colour, i take a trot down to the MO and find out that i'm down with flu (i suspect its food poisoning from the semi-cooked food in Marina Bay), and the 'nice' doc sends me packing back home for 3 days.
I would be bloody pissed, and actually a part of me still is. At this rate, i wouldn't be able to do my sit test properly and ace it, thus becoming eligible for command school. It has been demonstrated before during normal training, under strenous and heat-taxing conditions, that i am able to still hold strong mentally even though our bodies are on the verge of breaking down, and everybody else was just languishing in their own agony. I wanted to show that during the sit test, and prove myself capable of taking charge and being a leader under the worst conditions. But i guess once again, my thoughts verged on arrogance, and God above chose to punish me, to make me make sense of the humble Christian i ought to be. That's why i ain't really pissed anymore, just slightly irritated at the fact that i left my buddy in the lurch, to fend for himself against the wiles of the jungle while i was snacking on bacon-and-cheese-and-egg sandwiches back home. That feeling absolutely stinks. But i smile, knowing that God has a plan for me. I believe He has the best intentions in mind, and i wholly trust Him on that.
I slept a total of 23/24 hours yesterday. Waking up only for breakfast and dinner, so that i could take my medicine. I really can't wait to get back to Tekong and join them.
Whatever it is, i'm still gonna make the best of whatsoever remains. I'm gonna come out of my BMT knowing that i've done my best, even though i'm hindered quite a bit by my fractured right shoulder. There ain't gonna be any regrets, unlike in JC where i chose to slack off and then found that it wasn't the most enjoyable time of my life. i thrive on competition, i thrive among the best, i thrive knowing that God is always by my side, teaching me and showing me the way to go.
On a side note. David's one lucky guy =P Carol has been the only person so far who has been a constant encouragement during my NS stint, smsing me Bible verses to push me on. Haha, i wouldn't say its been a great help cause i am/was enjoying myself. But its a comfort nonetheless knowing that Christian brethren are thinking of you. I'm really glad she's president of Tengah YF, cause i can't think of a better person to fill in the post! I mean, visiting Tengah on Sunday cause i wanted to listen to another message, and seeing her fulfil her role of a buddy to some little girl (the dark, chubby one), i couldn't help but give a smile. Its the intrinsic love she has for everyone amidst all the difficulties she has (i can only imagine how hard it is for her to keep going with David during his NS days, compounded by the troubles floating around in Tengah YF) that makes her such an effective leader. And i thank God very much for her labour of love =)
Onto another train of thought. Before reading on, please note that the follwing words could be a manifestation of reverse psychology, to persuade myself that rachel is a thing of the past. Danny talking to himself. How interesting. Haha there is a part of me that will always love her, and it does pop up quite a bit even now. But my head tells me rather clearly 'u need a new girl in your life man, a better girl, she's changed for the worse'. I realized i've been lied to by someone i thought could never do any wrong, and 3 times for that matter. Heh its rather small incidents, so i think this could be being rather petty. I ain't holding it against her though. 1) My birthday present. Telling me she got something for me on 23rd Oct, but receiving it in the end of Dec cause she 'forgot', i realized it was something she got with Michelle a few days before (which Michelle bought many copies of for her own friends) 2) A reply to my letter. She said she wrote a reply already, and would pass it to me through Rachel Ho. Well i have a strong feeling she hasn't written anything, and would probably never write anything. Lied to once again. 3) A broken promise in a new year's letter. She would try to see if 'broken glass could be mended again'. Did i say 'try'? Haha, its nowhere near that. Probably 'forgot' and 'left to rot'. So there. Lied to thrice. *Prods Danny's heart* Perhaps its a greater signal for you to pick up the pieces and move on? Her excuse that she 'forgot' is far too lame.
Wahahaha, at this point i just remembered something from my English Lit - The Embittered Lover. I think i fit the profile quite well. The one who has been scorned, but still pines for the object of affection, and now is retaliating with sharp jabs. But as a Christian brother i find it hard to hold it against her. I only worry that she's changing for the worse, so attracted by the world that she's adopting the habits of the world. I pray hard that it is not so, that deep down inside she has really been saved by the shedding of Jesus' blood on the cross. Lord, i pray for her Christian walk, that she'll grow up to be a good servant for thee.
Feb 14 is coming up, that's Valentine's Day. I don't have a date! I hope nobody reads this journal anymore, cause i'm being totally frank in here to the risk of being judged. All my innermost thoughts splayed on the white screen.
Well, nvm, someone will come along sooner or later. But for now, Danny, smile. Cause God has his guardian angel watching over you =)
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Sunday, January 30th, 2005
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yep i really miss being in church on the sabbath alright. which is why i appeared in two services today: pandan in the morning, and tengah in the afternoon. its a wonder i still have time to type out a couple of things i wanna record down before i scoot off to field camp. But whatever it is, i'm really thankful that i'm able to find peace, just sitting down in the sanctuary and listening to the message preached - 'Maybe Today' and 'Beware of idols, little children', and singing the age old hymns that has never gone anachronistic. God is good =)
Foremost on my mind: My family. I think i'm finally getting around the idea of why 'blood is thicker than water'. Never actually registered before cause i was never close to my family. But in these past three weeks, the first people i wanna see is my mom, my dad, william and jason. When i hear about my bookout timing, first thing i'll think of is when i can sit down and have a good chat with them. Just to hear the incessant rants about JC life, the gaining of weight of Jason to the extent that he's FINALLY heavier than me, the i've-seen-it-all-and-its-good-for-you advice by my daddy, and weirdly, my mum's begun to hug me. Haha, its a funny feeling considering i've barely been hugged by her after she delivered me. And now its like everytime she sees me when i book out, she'll want to throw her arms around me. Really appreciate the fact that when i come home, it really feels like home. it's like i just left home in teh morning and came back in teh evening. Nothing's really changed, and home's still warm and inviting.
Back to my point about being cosmopolitan, like Fielding. I've set my mind on finishing my course well in teh army, regardless of my silly niggling injury. Haha, i'd call it chao pia, but i'll really be disappointed if i don't make full use of my 2 years as a military man. Thing is, i've seem to have lost my identity as a civilian, even though its only been 3 weeks. Everything seems foreign, while the stupid regimentation on tekong for now, seems much more appealing - haha i can't wait to get back to the island resort.
One more thing before i go, man i'm rushing this. I saw rachel today. and yesterday. Either its my memory or she's getting skinnier. And considering she had nothing much to start with, getting skinnier is NOT a good thing. When i saw her the first thing i thought of was what she mentioned to michelle 'its impossible for broken glass to be mended'. I still don't think that's true, but for this case, i think it is. Heh she moved on a long long long time ago, its high time i did, and which i will. I don't believe i can't find and get someone better, with many of her characteristics, since its what i'd look for in a soulmate. But i guess God's saying "IT'S NOT HER!!!!" I'll probably drop her a customary Valentine's Day card or something since i don't have anybody else to send anything to (haha its just the romantic spirit in me). but for now, i'll save what else i have to say for next time, when there's more time.
Now its a mad rush back to tekong! =)
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I was thinking of resurrecting this journal. Think it'll be good to record the intricacies of my life, as i gather steam and plod through a new phase called NS. Moreover, it'll ensure my command of English doesn't go stale, as the foul air of tekong steals away whatever brain cells that remained after my A levels. Heh, so if anyone still takes an occasional glance at this cobweb filled journal, good for you. there'll actually be something substantial to read at irregular intervals.
As of now, i'll have been on the island resort of Tekong for three weeks, my head has been shaved twice, my throat is on the verge of being perpetually sore, and yes, i'm still enjoying myself. I'm utterly immersing myself into the regimentation of military life. It'll only be a one-off 2 year affair anyway, so might as well make the most out of it. Military life is fascinating. Rank matters. And being a chao recruit with nothing on my ampulet or on the sleeve, well i'm subject to the whim and fancy of any one who has one more stripe on his sleeve. Funny thing is, it doesn't feel as though my freedom has been forcefully taken away from me. So what if i'm given 3 minutes to change, fill my waterbottle, fall in behind the company line. Or i wake up everyday not knowing what my schedule is, whether i get to book out at 230 or at 6pm, and thus being unable to plan for the precious time that i get on the island of singapore. I'm still a free man - i can be late if i want, i can screw myself and my platoon upside down, bark back at my sergeants. Anything i wanna do is still possible, cause i have the capacity to think and make my own decisions. Yet i don't try to be a foolish upstart. Heh, its like i'm restricting my own freedom. Taking away the comforts of an able mind to follow the instructions of guys who happened to be above me by value of their seniority in age. And for some strange reason, it's actually fun. The regimentation, the discipline, is a artillery's shot away from the misfits in 2A01A. Ponning class, messing around, hanging out used to be part of a daily routine - the unchainable bouncy streak in me manifesting itself in ways deemed 'cool' and very normal by JC students' standards, but frowned upon by the echelons of the higher orders.
Yet the army appeals to me. Not that i'm particularly nationalistic or patriotic. I really couldn't care less whether i was serving the Singapore army or the Taiwanese or Israeli army. Its not the country, its just the experience. Immersing myself in a totally un-danny atmosphere, taking away the comforts of home, of friends, of family, of thoughts and planned schedules. Its fascinating how i'm still enjoying myself. And i can't really explain why either, cause the days just languish and pass slowly, and i can barely remember what activities we keep going through. Maybe its just my optimistic outlook =)
I ain't in the mood to record more about army life now. So i'll move on back to civilian life.
Booking out yesterday and joining the YF for their outing at Marina City Park was an extremely novel experience. I felt OLD, and out of place. Haha, even though the faces and activities were all very familiar, it seemed like it was a part of my old life. A life i richly enjoyed because of the Christian companionship. It felt strange talking to people i was just hanging out with a couple of weeks back, being still stuck in my smart4. Think the feeling will pass though, haha, perhaps its just army life taking its toll on me =P
I'm a cosmopolitan, only because i travel light. Like Fielding in Passage to India. Its easy for him to uproot from England, to the tropical jungles of Chandrapore, because he does not have any emotional baggage. I barely miss anything, i said to someone that i did, but that feeling's totally disappeared. In fact i miss almost nothing, except for being in church on the Sabbath and listening to the preacher expound on the bible. We're all nice and sheltered and cosy in Singapore (or at least i was), its only when u are wrenched out of your comfort zone that one understands what's truly important =)
man, i'm outta time. continue this when i do have time.
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Thursday, October 21st, 2004
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when one doesn't have anything/anyone new to love, perhaps it is inevitable that one's thoughts roam to the beautiful past. Its not the feeling of loneliness, or a feeling of sadness, but probably a feeling of missing an image of someone - who has been there for all the important events in one's life (or so it seems). When memory takes its forlorn journey towards the threshhold of being 18, one feels the pangs of love even more, especially when one has had a foretaste of it before. what's so great about reaching a milestone, when ultimately there isn't really anyone to share it with? friends are fantastic of course, but it's only that big a role they can play.
haha.
have i got over it? i thought so - it seems so far away. then one fine day the thought of her springs up, and doesn't wanna ebb, even through to the 3rd day. and then i muse the thought that has confounded the most profound philosophers for centuries: what is love, that even great men (me? =P) fall by it? don't know. i'll just keep the memory close anyway, even if the present her seems aloof and cold (which is sad cause i thought we could at least keep the friendship).
my wishes at 18:
- find a fantastic girlfriend =) who's independent but dependent (i absolutely adore this innate paradox in modern 21st century women!) and who'll be willing to marry me eventually
- Be a better Christian
- Master the electric guitar, and be able to play Pachebel's Canon in D in ROCK form!!! yeah baby
- ace my A levels and get into Upenn (okay this one's a reach)
- get into OCS next year (possible if my shoulder doesn't die out on me)
Love.
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Monday, October 11th, 2004
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the thing about not keeping a regular journal stems from the fact that it sucks to have people reading about my boring life. from the way i look at it, most people would be pretty annoyed at discovering that i'm some hypocritical bastard, considering how i can write like the world's going to end on one day, and the next day i'm bright and dandy. sadly, that's the way an optimistic person works. or rather, to be more precise, that's the way this optimistic one works. people languish at the bottom of the sine curve (as jik once put it) as if life works in trade cycles - there are recessions and prosperity periods. and as empirical evidence would put it, people stay longer in the trough than at the crest. and i happen to be the opposite considering i see most things, realize its relative unimportance to the world, and smile at the fact that i'm just a little pawn in God's game.
Albert put it to me today that i'm far too simple. He's destined to live a sad life because of the state of his complex, complicated mind - one cannot be happy when one keeps questioning one's very existence and gets frustrated when one cannot find an answer. I, on the other hand, had an epiphany today. i take things as they come, and keep smiling along the way. i guess being a christian has helped very much with that cause God's hand is ever present (oooH! like adam smith's invisible hand), so basically i do things which make me happy, and which make people around me happy (cause that's one of the biggest reasons for my happiness), and then live off the joy that reverberates throughout my beautiful life.
sure one can argue that life is meant to be a struggle. yeah life's a struggle alright - with the bloody A levels and my irritating university applications needing my ever-present attention. But then again, i've got friends and family that pull me through all the time, and a God that i can turn to when human wisdom and comfort fails. its no wonder i can wake up everyday, with my toils and troubles of yesterday seeming so far away. okay, with the exception of the period after my breakup with rach. heh, but even then i don't think the pain lasted more than a week. not that i didn't feel anything, or that the deep wound in my heart was gone. its just that i learned to accept things - things happen for a reason, and it has to be a good reason that this has occurred. although i haven't really discovered it yet, and it sucks that she's semi-ignoring me/semi-awkward around me, cause we shared good times, and she's a great friend! its a pity things have changed. i mean, there seems to be this invisible barrier that even my frankness and enthusiasm can't break through anymore, like she has erected this thingy which stops her from sharing anything non-mundane with me anymore. so what to do? ...well, 'i just keep trusting my Lord, as i walk along...'
anyway, i just discovered a great joy in my life! woo hoO! Economics is a fantastic subject...if only i could just do well in it, so to give me some satisfaction at least. but then again, A level's is the dumps. Its just a hurdle to see whether u can excel as a student. heh, with my far-seeing vision, i can see that its not really something that can or will affect my life in any major way. i mean if i get my 4 A's and go to Harvard, i'll probably come out the same as if i went to SMU, maybe with a few extra connections and a greater will to succeed? nah, i'll still be this little dude on the island of singapore, in the midst of a staggering 7 billion people on planet earth, going about my daily business, earning a few thousand bucks a month and living a typical (but hopefully very exciting) bourgeois life. where's the ambition gone u say? its not gone anywhere, its just that pragmatism takes precedence over dreams =) which is ultimately a good thing cause u are contented with your lot, even if you remain poor for the rest of your life. and remember, the happiest people on earth are not those in the complex developed nations. They live among the cow-dung hut tribes of Africa, in the middle of dense jungles, with a bare minimum and maybe even still walking around with their testicles hanging out in the open. yeah baby.
right. i think i'm rambling. just had to get the thought outta my head, and nobody's willing to listen to me.. boo hoo hoo. haha, nah, just that i didn't bother to go find anyone. it was fantastic to have someone to turn to instinctively when your in a relationship, but its still not all that bad now, i've got this screen to type into anyway!
when life smiles at you, and u don't smile back, ur gonna live a sad sad life. rain and rainbows are only relative to the circumstance, its rubbish when one says: 'before you see the rainbow u've gotta get through the rain first'. rain is good, you can dance in it and it allows crops to grow. rainbows on the other hand, are beautiful, yet useless rays of light that don't affect us at all. its all a matter of perception, perspective. ah, the mystery of life, it still eludes me, but nevertheless i live, for simplicity brings happiness that few can boast to have. =)
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Saturday, August 21st, 2004
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Thursday, August 5th, 2004
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i get knocked down but i get up again. nothing can keep me down, not even the greatest mistake of my life.
God help me, let me be strong for you, that i might once again be a shining light for thee..
Danny the Champion of the world - never says die, never gives up.
=)
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Wednesday, August 4th, 2004
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i wish i could turn back time,
right the wrongs,
do what was right.
i wish i could soar so far away,
away from this hurt and pain,
searing my heart.
i wish life could just be about love and God.
there would be no tears,
no sorrow, no anger,
no frustration,
nothing to destroy a feeble soul's worth.
i thought i was a man,
i thought i could take this failure,
MY failure.
its so easy to say i can.
its so easy to think i can.
but its so hard to actually take it up,
and throw it all away.
where in life does true purpose lie?
i thought i knew where happiness grew,
i thought i could attain that happiness for myself.
but God has other plans,
he has bigger plans,
he wants his children to know,
that no matter how much we've grown,
we still end up in sin.
and that's the only thing that
always tears everything apart.
Where art thou God?
When i'm in my darkest sin,
my worst fear, my bitter enemy.
i need thee, father.
i need to pray to thee,
to hear thy cry,
the Holy Spirit touching my conscience.
i need the saviour i once knew,
to lift me up with angel's wings,
and make sure i never strayed again.
o sin where is thy sting,
oh grave where is thy victory.
take me now,
give me angels' wings to fly,
let me know the precious truth
that so many have understood before.
i want to know,
i need to know,
for i am a hurting child,
whose smile shall deceive all,
but to you Lord,
you know it all.
Amen.
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Sunday, February 22nd, 2004
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i wonder what my impulse was, when i was dropped home, to trudge my way down to the poolside. i looked up at the night sky, it was cloudy - but there was one single star. yet it shone so faint, like the clouds were suffocating its presence. so i made my way up the pale white steps, hanging on to my black wallet, hiding it under the long sleeves of my blue t-shirt. and walked. just walked. it was a pleasant moment, to walk under the dark sky, with the breeze in my hair. but it took too much out of me. so i decided to find a chair, and recline, watching the night sky as it went by.
and it came to me, as i stared at the block of flats right in front of me. how love was like a block of flats under the eleven o'clock night sky. So typically singaporean, yet so typically global too.
imagine the image. reclining on a pretty uncomfortable sun-bathing chair, staring at the single block taking up the major portion of my steoreoscopic view. There were only a few lights on, at least from my view of things. Love is so like that, when it enters the phase of darkness, the lights slowly shut, slowly disappear from the face of the flat. i was just sitting there for ten minutes, and i saw one, two, three lights flicker for a moment, then vanish into thin air. it was brightly lit barely three hours ago, but when its time to sleep, the lights take their leave from the stage. the play was ending, the show was at its finale. if i stayed longer (which i couldn't cause my mummy was calling) the lights would probably have all dimmed and gone out. and by three in the morning, i'm quite sure all that remained from my panoramic view, would be the light streaming from the faraway moon. the lights in the flats would be off, and pine grove would be shrouded in darkness.
And when the next night comes, the cycle repeats itself. lights turn on, illuminating singapore's sky line. and when the hour hits eleven, the lights fade away. and all thats left by three, would be a cloudy, dark night.
i wonder how love could be like that. but yes it is. it moves like the cycle of lights, at seven in the evening its shining brightly, at eleven the lights are barely on, and by three in the morning, its all dark.
bah
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Wednesday, February 18th, 2004
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It doesn’t take a genius to figure out the meaning of life. Sometimes I wonder why people like Plato and Socrates turn it into an academic fervour, consuming their whole lives in the meaningless pursuit of the ‘true meaning of life’. Are they living their lives as worthy of being pronounced ‘meaningful’? I highly doubt so. Vanity of vanities, all is vanity – is a wonderful quote by King Solomon from the book of Ecclesiastes. So their academic papers and theses gets examined thousands of years later by people who wonder about the same topic. Yet it’s just a vicious cycle. It doesn’t end. This pursuit of knowledge have consumed the lives of the great philosophers, it has even taken the lives of innocent people like you and me. It becomes a vicious cycle of knowing, and wanting to know more. It never ends.
But still the question creeps up, even when everyone knows it’s all a futile pursuit: ‘What exactly is the meaning of life?’ The answer doesn’t lie with Plato, neither does it lie with me. There are some things in life which don’t need an answer. All we need to do is live our lives the way we want to, the way God above has set out for us. Growing up in the midst of restrictions and containment, it’s high time for us to spread our wings and soar above the clouds – yet always keeping in mind the principles which our consciences constantly remind us (unless you decide to sear and ignore it, then its your problem).
Economic theory puts it forward simply that a society is perfect when scarcity is eliminated. When all our needs are met, when there is no more lack, then the meaning of life has been fulfilled. But as any one who has been born into this world of ours knows, this is one situation we can never hope to attain to. The communists have set out their perfect vision of world revolution creating an equal and happy society. But as the capitalists know, and have experienced, this perfect society will always be elusive. Where then is the meaning of life when we cannot ever attain perfection? We can never understand all, the life philosophers have tried and failed. They merely cover a miniscule aspect in the great scheme of things. So then why try to understand when the outcome will be failure?
Well the answer is plain and simple. Man is never content. Even though he cannot attain perfection, he will continually strive for it, to become like God. Everyone wants to be a god in his or her own right. Emperors have tried, dictators like Hitler have tried – yet in the end the words of the wise Solomon still ring true – ‘Vanity of vanities, all is vanity’. Perhaps it’s due time to live for the present, to live from day to day, because all this pursuit, eventually, is vain.
Maybe that’s why I’m an optimist, because the past doesn’t bog me down, and the future doesn’t scare me. I walk day by day, with God as my shining light. Till I meet Him face to face, that’s when I’ll know for sure, the true meaning of life.
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Friday, November 22nd, 2002
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i can't wait for jc...really i can't.
"wo shi selina, wo shi hebe.....WO SHI ELLA (in a harsh, deep tone)" ..and the little white bear goes squeak. *everyone erupts in laughter*
and it goes on and goes on, till 4 am in the morning, and then still nobody wants to sleep until i drag them into the room. Its great that my family is in malaysia for the week, got the house all to myself, though i'm sure i won't be in majority of the time.
People's diaries are depressing man, i feel sorry for them. life ain't supposed to be so sad or lonely or stuff like that, its all in your hands man, its up to to u to make things the way they turn out to be. i'm glad i'm a christian, friends ain't forever, God is. And i'm satisfied and happy, although knowing life ain't as perfect as it always seems in my dreams, where everyone looks like brad pitt and catherine zeta jones...hahaha =P
that's what dreams are for =)
i wonder what inspired me to come back to this almost defunct journal..maybe its just the lack of O LEVELS!
WHOOO HOOO
time to enjoy my holidays, and maybe find a part time job. Last 3 weeks of holidays still can, after yf camp...i'll go scouting and see if i can find something that i would like to do for 3 weeks, or rather whether any person would be smart enough to have me work for them for 3 weeks =P
'my heart goes shalalalala, shalala in the morning...in the evening..and in the sunshine'
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Wednesday, November 13th, 2002
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New Dust
=========
The dust lay still, but do not sleep
A wrinkle, a crack,
a whip of distraught
before the new layer creeps over
refilling the old creases,
the empty spots, the new layers.
And endless cycle it creates,
where swept up it does not leap.
No wind ever enters,
no howl, spite or cough.
Before the time is up,
and the coffins blow their horn,
It never gave chance to the wicked.
They hide after the deed is done,
till it rots, stinks and reviles.
And the night grows silent,
while the fishes lay in bed.
You never know, but they do stare,
under watchful, evolved eye.
And it speaks, until it too lays still,
and does not sleep...
Waiting..waiting...waiting,
though time never spends time on their side.
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Thursday, March 14th, 2002
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hohoho..
stress man
LDS is one of the better leadership seminars, but its still nuts. Chaos rules the day, can't believe i spent a whole hour of my time reorganising everything and callin people up. Sheesh, its so unlike me to be hardworking. I still wonder why i'm doing this in the first place, i shud be one of those slacking around and letting the more charismatic leaders go give instructions and then i'll find the slackest job.
Life is so interesting. Now i'm gonna have to wait for those hardworking nygh girls to send me the info so i can collate and make a presentation out of it, which probably means less sleep tonight. Ahh...why did i put myself through this?!
ah well, there's always a lesson to be learnt from this anyway. although it ain't seemin so obvious now, i guess i'll figure out the answer soon enuf. Heh, group 3 is so hardworking man. Can't believe that we actually used lunch break to do work, and then we ended up criticizing the singapore education system for an hour and not doing any work in the end. Oh what joy. At least there's many people who hate national education too!
Lousy propaganda man.
Gep brains are crazy kay, some reali think too much. and it gets disruptive sometimes, then i haf to cut in and make peace among everybody. Actually i don't haf to, i tried staying out of a conflict once and let someone sit on the hotseat, enjoying the view as a spectator. And it just got worse..haha, oh well. Maybe i shouldnt' have moved, but its fine anyway. One hour of my time wasted and everything's back to its normal effective productivity state.
i think i'm gonna sigh
"SIGH..."
...moo
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Tuesday, March 12th, 2002
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heh. i've always wondered why most people find little babies cute. Sure i do too, but my little bro cute? i don't think so, with his personality, its hard to for me to ever call him cute.
Today after prayer meeting, i saw this little girl who was hardly 5 years old. When she saw that Dr Tow was leaving, she ran up to him and said "Dr Tow, i'll pray for you!" Now isn't tt just sweet, imagine a little girl doing that. It brought a huge smile on Dr Tow's face, as well as on my face. Now that's what i call the real definition of "cute": little kid with a good personality to match =P
If only i had a heart as pure and innocent as hers. And if only i had humility and not think arrogant thoughts all the time. Then that would be the day i would consider myself blessed =)
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why does almost everyone say i look cheerful today? it doesn't make sense. My color coding today was supposed to make me look old and faded, yellow as a book, seems like it didn't work much though. heh =P
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dbogany's journal
bouncy.